Oh! and BTW...

Just Beyond the Fingertips of God I ponder. I spend hours pondering, the who's, the why's, the how's, the if's... I am an over ponderer. I have written "ponder" so much in the first sentence it doesn't even look like a real word anymore. I am idiotropic and the antitheses of a sophophobiac. I look inside myself for answers although I am am terrified they are not already there waiting for me. I have had thousands of "ah HA!" moments. I am almost 60.. Everything from, "OMG, nina you look horrible in blue eye shadow!" (what the heck was I thinking then anyway?) to the more subtle ones with deeper significance  nina

(looking back) It's been almost a year since an unfamiliar wind began blowing through my life. It woke me from a 40 year sleep. It left me astonished, confused and more than a little bit intrigued. If you listen to me recount it I will say that I just "woke up gay" and while that is the easiest way to explain it it isn't as simple or as tidy as that. But at quick glance I suppose it appears that way to others. I did wake up one morning with a crush on a long time friend and I remember wondering what the hell was going on. I felt silly and embarrassed and tried to push it out of my head. I would reason with myself that a woman of my age, married twice with 4 kids could not possibly be gay. I would point to all of my hetero history as proof but find myself later mentally wandering back to this woman and I would long to kiss her softly and tell her how beautiful she was. And so began my unexpected journey. It's a journey which I am told is not that uncommon yet by vi...

Today I was a teacher. Today I taught gardening. I teach my babies through play to enjoy all the flowers's can be. I teach them each cycle of a flower's life is a beautiful and purposeful one. I teach them to rejoice in the changes. I teach them to decorate their lives in unconventional ways. I teach them to find joy in the simple and silly.    

Coming out appears to me to be a series of leaps and creeps, not always in the same direction. Coming out appears to me to be aided by the slight of hand of a magician. Coming out appears to me to be a lifetime of lefts and rights, a constant imperfect navigation.